Handling the Emotions of College Admissions Decisions

Recently, I attended a holiday event hosted by my high school. Several of my classmates were there, and it reminded me of the power of community and connection. Despite the decades since we were in school, and the fact that we are no longer in each other’s lives on a daily, or even regular basis, there was much to celebrate about being together. The ease with which we gathered erased all the years.

The current head of school spoke to the crowd about the important work of empowering young people. His words resonated with me, because central to my work is lifting up teenagers as they contemplate their futures. It is a solemn responsibility, and it is profoundly fulfilling.

The Heart of a College Counselor 

My job encompasses strategic and tactical work, and there are times when the busy part of managing the details can become all consuming. My evening with my high school peers was a reminder of who I was as a 17 year-old, and it snapped me right back to the proper perspective. I came of age in a simpler time, and as I’ve written before, without a lot of the pressures young people face today, but I still needed adults in my life to cheer me on and help me see my own potential. As my time as a college counselor grows longer, I feel more committed to the notion that being an adult they can count on to be in their corner is a critical component of my role. 

Right now, all of my students have submitted their applications, and except for a small handful, they have selected the colleges that will be lucky to welcome them in the fall. It was a great December for most of my 2026 cohort; they were admitted to their early decision schools. There was also the usual disappointment for a couple, who are learning to embrace their other options. Through it all, I cheered them on, even as I asked them to hold themselves to high standards.

Painful Lessons 

This was also a hard season for me. I parted ways with clients who rigged the game. It was devastating for me. It might work out for them, and it might not. I’d like to believe that the students who do the work, and who do it ethically, will come out on top, but I know that isn’t always true. Cheaters sometimes get their desired admissions results. However, what I also know is that the imperfect 17 year-old me needed adults to tell me I was good enough, and that I had what it took to apply to college with autonomy. When parents take over and cut corners ethically, it is more than a moral issue; it also denies their children the confidence that they are good enough and that adults believe in them. Getting in isn’t the end of the road; it is only the beginning, and earning a place at any college is just the first step in confidently transitioning to a new community. It is tragic to me that in the mistaken belief that taking over is helping, parents don’t see the developmental downsides.

 I’ve banged the drum of fit over prestige for a decade…

I used to think parents really worried that their kids wouldn’t be admissible to any college, but that isn’t really at the heart of it. The pressure to share that their child has been admitted to a college that impresses friends, grandparents or co-workers is pervasive, and it trickles down to our kids. It sets them up to believe they aren’t good enough when they don’t get in, or when a college decision they are so excited about isn’t one their parents celebrate, or when an essay that took effort and deep self-reflection is cast aside.

…Sometimes it breaks through 

After my high school event, I walked out to my car and checked my phone. There was an excited text from one of my students, who had just received an admission to one of her more likely options. What made me smile the most is that she’d sent it with confetti. As well she should. Always celebrate good news. It feels incredible to be chosen by a college after all the hard work and heart wide open application process.

Tips for Parents to Stay Centered 

The waiting season is advancing, and it gets harder to be a parent, even if you’ve maintained the right mindset to this point, even when you’ve supported your child’s autonomy. Suddenly, you question if you did things right. Especially, when there is disappointment. I offer these tips to help you maintain your equilibrium, so that you can be a calming presence and consistently message optimism and excitement.

-Catch them in a successful personal moment that has absolutely nothing to do with grades or achievement each and every day. Even when they roll their eyes, or walk out of the room. Whether they show it or not, they deeply desire your approval of who they are, beyond what they’ve achieved. “That was a really nice thing to say!”, “I really appreciate that you helped your younger sister!”, “You are an amazing friend!”.

-Give them space and be patient. The college decision period is toxic in many high school communities. Their hearts are fragile, and their friends can be unkind. You might be the only safe place to put their energy. They are teenagers, and that energy may not be sunshine and rainbows. Dig deep and absorb it as best you can. If you need to go scream into your pillow, do that.

-Write to them. A very long time ago, I read of a parent who wrote a letter to their children before decisions came back telling them that no decision good or bad will ever define their worth or be the final say on their potential. I wrote my sons when they were waiting for early decision, and I now write each of my seniors a personal note ahead of major release dates. I offer it as a suggestion for you parents of younger students to consider for the future. For senior parents, perhaps you can write them a letter as high school winds down.

-Let them grieve if they need to. If they receive heartbreaking news try to stay quiet and just be there for them. Maybe don’t fall apart yourself, but likewise don’t push them to move on immediately. The death of a dream is so hard. They need to learn to manage their emotions, but sometimes they need a little time.

-Don’t trade on their news. This one is really hard, but good or bad, whatever happens with decisions didn’t happen to you. Of course, you can be proud, and obviously you did have something to do with it, but bragging to your friends isn’t really the flex you think it is. You might be sharing news unwittingly with a friend whose child is really hurting.

-Be their sense of safety. Seniors can sometimes become paralyzed if they end up with choices. My observation is that it can often stem from the realization that they are leaving home and committing to a college makes that crystal clear. I’ve seen everything from buyer’s remorse with early decision to not deciding right up to the May 1st decision deadline for other application types. They realize the future is upon them. It is a big change, and for some it can feel scary.

Don’t Stop Believing 

As I looked at my classmates, it struck me that some didn’t have straightforward paths, and truthfully, I’ve forgotten where a few went to college. But each of us has so much to celebrate about our lives. College and life are what we make of them.

It does work out. It really does. Believe in them. Believe in yourself as a parent. Cherish the rest of high school. Graduation will be here in the blink of an eye. And before you know it, you’ll be moving them into their dorm room.